Too Old To Squat
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Posted:Jun 3, 2010 1:37 am
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2010 11:42 pm
16762 Views
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An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis.
So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked:
"What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied:
"Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I' m 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."
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14
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Can you believe this?
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Posted:May 25, 2010 3:41 am
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2010 11:46 pm
17778 Views
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For those of you not living in Australia, you might not know we are about to have the first Australian Saint.
Her name is Mary MacKillop. The canonisation is due to take place October 17th.
Very nice, hey we get our first saint. What is pissing me off Big time is, it is going to cost $4 million.
It is to cover celebrations, church services and vigils both in Rome and Australia.
Since when do you have to pay for church services and vigils?
Hey, do they realize that Winter is well on it's way, and that there are starving, homeless people out there?
$4 million will not fix the problem, but it would go a long way in helping those in need.
On the odd occasion I go to mass, my goes into the Poor box, not into either of the two baskets that are passed around.
I will not finance the Parish Priest to have a hot breakfast at a cafe every day, pay for his cigarettes, or his visits to the TAB.
I suppose religion has gone the way of all big businesses. It all comes down to the mighty dollar, and the ones in need get forgotten.
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20
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Now for something lighter than my last post.
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Posted:Apr 29, 2010 12:08 am
Last Updated:Jun 13, 2010 2:42 pm
17105 Views
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Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
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15
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Do Not Drink and Drive
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Posted:Apr 28, 2010 1:34 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2010 2:00 am
16905 Views
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This applies to females too.
You'd better not drink and drive
If you want to stay alive.
It's Friday night, you go for a drink
How much you can hold, you don't stop to think.
'One more for the road' your mates all say
Just one more then I must away.
It's now your 'shout', you can not go
You must keep up the Macho show.
Another mate sees you here
So buys you yet another beer.
You talk of footie and other sports too
Another beer is put infront of you.
Closing time is almost here
Just enough time for one more beer.
He stumbles away from the bar
'Where the hell did I park the car?
He goes through a 'Stop Sign,' not seeing it there
He's all over the road, but what does he care?
He doesn't see the traffic light turn red
He's hit two cars, now all are dead.
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8
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Gremlins Again
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Posted:Apr 24, 2010 4:34 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2010 1:37 am
16397 Views
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I spent ages trying to think of a name for my blog.
Was unable to come up with anything I was happy with, so asked for some names for me and did a poll.
After much thought, I chose a name. Was happy now I was no longer known as 'My Blog.'
Tonight it became all in vain. I was having a look through the main blog page, only to find, we are All known as 'My Blog.'
Yes the 'Gremlins' are at it again.
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9
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Why?
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Posted:Apr 24, 2010 2:32 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2010 1:38 am
17435 Views
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Why do our do it to us?
We try to bring them up as good decent people. To love and respect their parents, and others.
Teach them how to stay safe, pointing out the dangers.
Then............. they go Tandem Skydiving.
As if that wasn't bad enough on my nerves. And what happened today???
One of them spends 8 hours learning to jump out of a perfectly good plane, only to jump out tomorrow to do Accelerated Free Fall. Yes, he is jumping out partially assisted.
 is wrong with him???
I hate being in a plane, never mind jumping out of one.
If we were meant to fly, we would be born with wings.
It is going to be a very long day tomorrow for me, until I get the phone call that he is safe on the ground, only to do it again, and again, and again.
Better stock up on the hair dye, I'm going to need it.
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21
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Sneezing attack
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Posted:Apr 8, 2010 2:42 am
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2010 11:03 pm
17671 Views
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you ," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."
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22
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April Fools Day
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Posted:Apr 1, 2010 12:02 am
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2010 10:56 pm
17117 Views
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Did any of you fall for an April Fools Day prank?
I spent yesterday at work warning others to watch out for a certain person (she was there and heard me warning others), as I was sure she would try and catch as many of us out.
I hang my head in embarrassment. I fell prey to her second prank, hook, line and sinker. The 1st prank happened before I got to work.
She had great delight in laughing at me, seeing as I was the one warning all the others.
Yes, I joined in with the 3rd prank (actually it was my idea), and caught my friend out.
I think we were all glad when midday came, and we all stopped being silly.
Does anyone know how it all started, and why does it stop at midday? 
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16
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Anatomy
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Posted:Mar 29, 2010 7:22 pm
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2010 4:45 am
18153 Views
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THIS IS A VERY VERY TRUE, AND LITTLE KNOWN HEALTH FACT!!!!!!
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
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20
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Changes are not always better.
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Posted:Mar 27, 2010 2:13 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2010 2:24 am
16762 Views
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A couple of years ago, I found a great radio station.
Nine out of ten songs were great. Told all my friends to tune into it.
Never put on a CD anymore, that's how good the station was.
When my went out, I would sing along (painful to all ears but my own).
The whole house was my dance floor. My only audience was my cat. Who after a short time got bored watching me making a fool of myself, would curl up and go to sleep.
I could be 'Dancing in the Dark,' kicking up my heals to 'Copperhead Road.' Telling the world how strong I was with U2s' 'With of without You and Still haven't found what I'm looking for.'
The list goes on and on.
Then what happens a couple of weeks ago?
The name of the station gets changed. But the worst of it is.......so has the music being played.
Now the great songs are being played less, so less singing and dancing for me.
Will have to go through my CD collection, or make some compilations. I can't not have good music playing in the background.
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19
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Easter
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Posted:Mar 25, 2010 2:15 am
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2010 9:18 pm
17328 Views
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Can you believe it's almost Easter?
I have been a bit on the lazy side, and still have the odd Christmas decoration laying around.
It's one of those when i get round to it jobs. Something more interesting comes along, so the round to it never gets done.
What are your plans for the long week end break?
I am staying home, so hope to get called into work. Am already working Good Friday, so that's a start.
Not many people want to call in sick during Public Holidays, and miss out on all that extra pay.
I will be away for a few days the week end after. A long over due visit to my is planned.
She lives a stones throw away from the beach, so plan to spend lots of Me time there.
As you would have noticed my latest silly photo. Had no trouble with this one not being allowed.
Shame that most of the rabbit ears got chopped off, due to the photo size being too big.
What ever your plans, hope you all have a safe and fun filled break.
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17
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Chuck
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Posted:Mar 19, 2010 4:21 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2010 1:28 pm
16549 Views
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A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
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12
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How Sharp Is Your Mind?
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Posted:Mar 14, 2010 7:45 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2010 4:11 am
17092 Views
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Found this in the paper. It's not as easy as it looks.
Look At the chart and say the COLOUR not the WORD!
blue purple green red orange blue orange white yellow blue green red orange white purple yellow green red blue
How did you go?
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21
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To link to this blog (marysia4u) use [blog marysia4u] in your messages.
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