Thought of the day:
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Posted:Sep 12, 2009 4:43 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 5:23 pm
1120 Views
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"Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied." - Mark Twain
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Thought of the day:
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Posted:Sep 11, 2009 6:29 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 5:23 pm
1138 Views
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"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.." - George Santayana
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Humor for the day...
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Posted:Sep 11, 2009 6:09 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 5:23 pm
1280 Views
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Dirty Ernie goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Ernie waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:
"All right, , what is your multi-syllable word?"
Ernie says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, , that's a mouthful".
Ernie says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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A little humor
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Posted:Sep 10, 2009 1:41 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2009 9:26 pm
1176 Views
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A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, I'll Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."
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THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
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Posted:Sep 10, 2009 1:36 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2009 6:34 am
1322 Views
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"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." - Anais Nin
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The apple tree
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Posted:Sep 3, 2009 10:46 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 5:23 pm
1130 Views
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Down by the old apple tree
when she first showed it to me
it looked like a spot
she called it her twat in the shade of the old apple tree
We rumbled and tumbled around
I finely got her to lay down
She screamed bloody murder
I shoved it in further
in the shade of the old apple tree
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THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
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Posted:Sep 3, 2009 10:17 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2009 6:34 am
1225 Views
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"Never refuse any advance of friendship, for if nine out of ten bring you nothing, one alone may repay you." - Madame de Tencin
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Just a little funny...
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Posted:Sep 3, 2009 10:15 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 5:23 pm
1146 Views
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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
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The anniversary gift...
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Posted:Dec 16, 2008 4:25 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2009 11:34 am
1200 Views
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This husband buys a taser for his wife . . .
"Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that Sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
"WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
"I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
"AWESOME!!!
"Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
"Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!
"There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
"I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
"So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
"The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
"What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
"I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
"I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
"The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
"Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
"-OF-A- Gun.. That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!
"P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it."
"If you think education is difficult, try being stupid."
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Factoids
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Posted:Sep 17, 2008 6:01 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2009 11:20 am
1243 Views
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In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour : 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to
sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his -in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as
the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and
quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow...
Smile and have a happy day!
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Wisdom of the day
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Posted:Sep 8, 2008 6:40 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 5:23 pm
1218 Views
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The cemetery is filled with indispensable men
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Face the music and dance
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Posted:Aug 24, 2008 9:46 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2009 9:20 pm
1228 Views
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There may be trouble ahead.
But while there's music and moonlight,
and love and romance,
lets face the music and dance.
Before the figures have fled,
before they ask us to pay the bill,
and while we still have the chance,
lets face the music and dance.
Soon we'll be without the moon,
humming a different tune,
and then,
they'll maybe tear drops to shed,
so while there is moonlight and music,
and love and romance,
lets face the music and dance.
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Thought of the day
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Posted:Aug 23, 2008 7:14 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 5:23 pm
1218 Views
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"Men who seek happiness are like drunkards who can never find their house but are sure that they have one." - Voltaire
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To link to this blog (urbanknight) use [blog urbanknight] in your messages.
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