"that was me...."
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:52 pm
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2009 4:05 pm
8436 Views
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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While he was there,an attractive young lady in a robe came out of her apartment next to the mailboxes.
The guy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day, and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me."
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...some more jokes.
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:52 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
8011 Views
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A little walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy , who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the , "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a ?!"
The smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
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After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
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I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..
Do you have a piece of gum?
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who the was the father?
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:50 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7893 Views
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A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"\
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
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no luck for men
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:49 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7870 Views
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Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the men.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, and if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K., I guess 7," said one of the guys. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"2," said the customer.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant, "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way" insisted the other. "My wife won twice last week."
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three nuns and a parrot
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:48 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7905 Views
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Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
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..."who said this?"
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:47 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7893 Views
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It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response, except from Suzuki.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "F*ck the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up.
"Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh, yeah? S*ck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair, waving his hand, and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little sh*t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001!"
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh, sh*t, we're f*cked!"
Suzuki said, "The Taliban, 2001!"
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Supernatural
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:46 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7855 Views
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There was this case in this hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed on Friday mornings around 9am regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural: Why did death occur at that same bed around the same time every Friday?
So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the deaths.
Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new (unknowing) patient laid there.
Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil...and they waited.
8am, the patient was still alive...
8.30am...still breathing...
Just before the 'cursed' time, the door to the ward swung open...
Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!
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blind man
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:45 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7879 Views
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."
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Some Moral Story
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:43 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7811 Views
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Nice one
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!
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i would have been released....
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:42 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7835 Views
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes, I remember"said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my , or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly..
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He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
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Embracing Imperfection
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:40 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7837 Views
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Embracing Imperfection
A touching story by a girl.
"When I was a little girl, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.
On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of fruits and extremely burned toast in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my mom, and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember Watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!
When I got Up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad For burning the toast. And I'll never forget what he said: 'Baby, I love burned toast.'
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if He really liked his toast burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, 'Dear, your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides-a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!' You know, life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best housekeeper or cook.
What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each other's differences - is the one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship .
And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your married life and lay them at the feet of GOD. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a marriage where burnt toast isn't a deal-breaker! We could extend this to any relationship in fact - as understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent- or friendship!! "
"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket...
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Banana Test
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:38 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7860 Views
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Banana Test
Four different animals find themselves under a really big, tall palm tree:
a lion, a monkey, a giraffe, a squirrel,
They decide to have a contest to find out who is the quickest to pick the banana at the top of the tree.
Which animal do you think gets to the banana first?
Attention:
Your answer reveals something important about your personality.
Therefore, contemplate your solution carefully!
You only have 30 seconds for this task!
Which animal will grab the banana first?
Have you finally decided?One click for the solution to this delicate question...
If your answer was ...
the lion, then you've got a serious problem!
the monkey,then you're a jackass!
the giraffe,then you're stupid!
the squirrel,then you're a hopeless case!
And why?
Why? Simply because bananas don't grow on palm trees!!!
You must really be too stressed and overworked.
Take a few days off and just try to relax!
Have A Great Day.
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where is real heaveb and hell?....
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Posted:Sep 19, 2009 5:24 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 6:49 pm
7890 Views
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A holy man was having a conversation with the Creator one day and said¿
'Creator, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'
The Creator led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but ... Because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Creator said, 'Now, you have seen Hell.'
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here each person was well-nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'
'It is simple,' explained the Creator.
'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed
each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'
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