Jogging
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Posted:Mar 21, 2014 5:34 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2014 6:33 pm
8739 Views
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Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine." He lost 33 kilos that week.
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First time....
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Posted:Mar 21, 2014 5:01 pm
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2014 11:37 pm
8649 Views
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I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a nearby
pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, not really’. So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. ‘Just a minute’, she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you’? She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on the desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time’.
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on’? she asked. I said, ‘sure did’, and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out!
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little old ladies ahead...proceed with care
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Posted:Mar 21, 2014 1:36 am
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2014 1:39 am
8658 Views
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This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a lunch for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all
love edna
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Singing...badly
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Posted:Mar 20, 2014 2:55 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 1:32 pm
8617 Views
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If you see my cam on...don't be upset if you only see black. I like to share my music. The humming or singing is me LOL!
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Why do liar's lie?
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Posted:Mar 18, 2014 7:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2014 6:43 pm
9018 Views
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Inspired by another post with cheating husband being the topic.
Why do people have the habit of lying? What is so bad that they can't give an honest account of whatever it may be that's asked of them?
I've been on the receiving end, as most I reckon.
This being my now ex partner. He lied and lied over what now was something stupid(as far as I'm concerned).
We've since started talking again, he's tip toeing around me, knowing I'll bite his head off if a certain lie pops up again.
Anyways, I caught him lying several times towards the end of said r'ship and he got shitty(of course) that I was actually smarter than he wanted to admit to - ever. Very controlling guy, and me I like eveness. So we had a bumpy old thing happening.
What made him lie? He was hiding the fact he was seeing another woman, he then went onto lie to her about seeing her friends too. So had two shitty women on his lying arse and likely after we were done a fair few more. Shitty women tend to stick together(common cause etc).
He thought he was a man of the world, and decided to share all of him, what a dick? Yep big one.(na fairly small..shhh)
I think as we grow and mature we learn what alarms to take notice of, we have technology at our finger tips and yes, if we smell a rat...we will attempt to catch it.
Some things never change hey 
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Belated St Paddy's day jokes
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Posted:Mar 18, 2014 4:44 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2014 1:08 pm
8690 Views
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Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both"
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
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To be or not to be.........
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Posted:Mar 16, 2014 2:02 am
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2014 4:48 pm
8938 Views
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Something that's been on my mind for quite awhile, is the fact that I get told I shouldn't be here(LesbianPersonals). I do agree, I'm not seeking sex/hook ups etc. Sorry, just to confronting for me at this point in my life plus I've got other real life drama's to contend with.
I love the blog side of this site, great outlet for one to show off their personality and share their opinions. So, as far as Im concerned, I do belong.
In a better LesbianPersonals world I'd like to see profiles attached to blogs and you can't have one without the other. Therefore they'd be forced into writing something before making up a fake profile etc. If the made up profile fits with the one word blog...
Just my two cents!
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Random funnies
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Posted:Mar 13, 2014 5:21 am
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2014 11:53 pm
9000 Views
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Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection.
The first one says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand."
St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."
The second says I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands."
St. Peter: "Wash both your hands and go in.
Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks, "What's going on?"
One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there!
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs The drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket.''
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A priest is walking by a house and sees, sitting in the front steps, a young boy shaking a bottle of some clear liquid.
He asks the boy what he was doing. The boy responded, "This here, Father, is turpentine,the most powerfull liquid in the world".
The priest responds, "You are wrong, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. You rub a few drops of Holy Water on a pregnant womans belly and she'll pass a boy".
The boy responded, "That ain't nothing father. You rub a few drops of this in a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
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A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answeredby saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..."
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Yep Blonde jokes
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Posted:Mar 13, 2014 3:37 am
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2014 1:10 am
9167 Views
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A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees" She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM???
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Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"
Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.
"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."
Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
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A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job. He finally walked into an adult store. "Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner.
The owner smiled and responded, "You come as if you have been sent from heaven. I just opened another store and I'm looking for someone to mind this store for me."
"When do I start?" the guy asked.
"Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly." The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.
First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars," he said.
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"Give me the . . . uh, black one. I've never had a black one before." She paid and left.
Soon an African-American woman walked in. She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the black dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one. I've never had a white one before." She paid and left.
Then a blonde woman walked in. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?"
"Two hundred dollars."
"Give me . . . uh, the checkered one. I've never had a checkered one before." She paid and left.
Closing time came around and the owner returned. "How was your first day?"
"Great!" the guy responded. "I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each, and I sold your thermos for two hundred."
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This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fillmy bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my tits."
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Status Updates etc
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Posted:Mar 12, 2014 6:08 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2014 2:14 am
9021 Views
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Just browsing the site and read a few status updates, mostly male but the common thread is 'fuck this site it's a joke'. It is if all you're seeking is a hole to fill or vice versa. They're obviously under the impression everyone's here for the same reason, god forbid there isn't!
Really show's you the narrow minded as well as the open, which is interesting if you like human nature(I do)
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New Technology
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Posted:Mar 12, 2014 5:48 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2014 1:10 am
8821 Views
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An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon while shopping the wife decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband text back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise...."
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Chat rooms
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Posted:Mar 12, 2014 3:19 am
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2014 3:11 am
9106 Views
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I had a look at a few chat rooms this evening, and after saying 'evening' there was silence. What the hell is the point of a
chat room with no chat? Where has common decency gone that someone can't type the word hi etc back? Obviously, they're all waiting for ms or mr perfection to enter so there's a great rush of competition over who chats to whom?
Stupidity at it's best is all I can think.
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To link to this blog (Needsalaugh40) use [blog Needsalaugh40] in your messages.
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