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Solitary Man
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Solitary Man I took my to the airport this morning. She's going through a nasty divorce, so I fly her down once a month to spend time with family. We've obviously talked a lot about relationships, love, and all the peripherals that go with it. While we were driving, she made a comment about how she wishes she could just get it together and make it easy like I do. I laughed, and told her that was just an illusion that I've gotten good at living with. She looked puzzled, but we were pulling up to the drop off, so she just said, well you know going to want you to explain that one.  I've been thinking a lot about relationships, mine in particular, over the last few weeks. This conversation, and knowing going to have to explain my comment to my , made me delve deeper into the quagmire this morning. The illusion, in it's most basic terms, is that while I happily divorced, not always happily single. About 13 ago, I gave it a lot of thought, and decided I would never remarry. Since that time, I've been faithful to that decision. It's not that ever truly unhappy, bouts of loneliness are few and usually short lived. It's more of a thought that missing something. I have had a few longer term relationships, exclusive. I have had some FWB's, that were actually friends, some I still talk with from time to time. I've dated women that I never had sex with, and I've had a couple of "fuck buddies" that just wanted to use me. (thinking night moves by Bob Seager, "I used her, she used me, But neither one cared" ) Even been a third wheel in a couple of couples relationship. While I have been known to see more than one lady at a time, better in relationships if it's just concentrating on one woman at a time. I swear I don't know how polygamists can do it. Some relationships ended because they moved away, a couple because the feelings just kind of fizzled, but most have ended in the same manner. Her wanting to take it to the next level, and me being faithful to my decision 13 ago. It's what the song I wrote, Take Me as I , is about. They tell me what they need to live, and it's just the one thing I can't give. Delving deeper into the illusion, comes the thought, is it really what I want? While I can honestly say, I don't see the purpose of getting remarried at my age is, it doesn't mean I couldn't stay with one person for the rest of my life. Or that finding that one person wouldn't be a great thing. Personally, I don't need to be married to be faithful, have never cheated once. If I say exclusive, exclusive. Yet I know, not all feel the same, and the commitment means more to some people. not saying they're wrong. My resolute decision has admittedly cost me chances of that kind of relationship in the past. I like saying resolute, instead of hard headed and stubborn. It makes me sound more philosophical about it. Now, after 13 , the part that is no longer an illusion is this. In any relationship that will stand the test of time, there has to be compromise. While I tend to be a giving kind of person, I have gotten very used to doing things my way. Simple stuff, like if I get up on a Saturday and want to drive down to the beach, I pack up and go. If I'd rather lay in bed and watch a movie, good to go. I don't check with anyone, see if we have other plans. While that example may seem petty, I thought so after writing it down, it is a concern to me. And not just because of my freedom, but because to me, that isn't the mind set that screams successful relationship. sure over time, those ideals of freedom could be proven irrelevant, and I would overcome, what I consider to be a selfish mindset. Being single, has afforded me the luxury of that selfishness, but has it rewarded me with the happiness it was suppose to provide? I've had girlfriends who say, it doesn't matter to them, I'll always be free to do what I want. My argument is always, that wouldn't be fair to them. Not to mention, not sure that mindset would last, nor would I want it to. So, yeah I laughed when my said easy. Relationships or the lack of them , is rarely easy. Some would argue at least you had some relationships, I would counter with, did I? Or did I just have long term flings with ladies that i liked to be around and maybe even loved? Have I come too far to change my mindset? Do I just keep going like I , thinking that with blind luck, I run across someone who feels the way I do about marriage. I don't know, but it's running through my mind more so now, than when I started writing this 20 minutes ago. Until I figure it out in my head, I guess I'll just keep on being the Solitary Man. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx |
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Damn, that came out longer than intended. Feel free to poke holes in my mindset. I'm always open to constructive criticism , advise or alternate opinions. "Solitary Man" Belinda was mine 'Til the time That I found her Holdin' Jim And lovin' him Then Sue came along, Loved me strong, That's what I thought Me and Sue, But that died, too. Don't know that I will But until I can find me A girl who'll stay And won't play Games behind me I'll be what I am A solitary man Solitary man I've had it to here Being where Love's a small word A part-time thing A paper ring I know it's been done Havin' one Girl who loved me Right or wrong Weak or strong Don't know that I will But until I can find me The girl who'll stay And won't play Games behind me I'll be what I am A solitary man A solitary man Don't know that I will But until Love can find me And the girl who'll stay And won't play Games behind me I'll be what I am A solitary man A solitary man Solitary man " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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9/4/2018 1:50 pm |
I felt the same way during and after my divorce on not remarrying,Lately I might consider if the right person comes along.Some moments I dont want to remarry and happy being single along with I would be happy if its just a committed relationship without being married.
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I've been widowed for 15 years now and, like you, have had a mixture of relationships. Right now, I can't see myself giving up my absolute freedom to do what I want. It would take the right man to progress to a live-in relationship. Yet, marriage would only be on the table if there was a NEED for it - such as needing health insurance, finances would be better as a couple instead of 2 singles, or survivorship of joint property. Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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I was married for a short time. My prior engagement to another guy actually lasted longer. I saw my siblings get divorced. Some nasty stuff. My divorce was a breeze. Nothing to fight over as we had no children. One of my sisters stayed married albeit separated until her youngest finished high school. Her ex-husband stalked her. She had to get a court order against him. I have had female relatives including my mother deal with abusive husbands. What this made me was try to avoid relationships altogether for years and then I became the caretaker for Mother. Now I feel like I lost out on so much. But I don't know that I would have been successful in a relationship. LoL. I just know now I wish I could have a love that is reciprocated. And there belongs another LOL eh? 😕 Independently Romantic Sounds Better Than Lonely
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Selfish? When the kids are grown and out of the house, isn't selfishness one's due? Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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I've never understood the argument of "you're just being selfish" when you're not ready to be married. Apparently you've not found the right person...and the right time. And that time may never come. Living in a committed relationship may work quite well for you...with the right person. Nothing wrong with that. I don't know that I ever want to be married again, but I would be open to a committed relationship with the right person. Pagan  Hmmmm....I know I left that wand around here somewhere!
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Lala, that last line should say...shouldn't adversely affect. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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I don't think you have to be married to be happy as it's not for everyone but the single life isn't all that great at times either. For one thing any relationship has to always have open communication, and I find that is the reason that many relationships don't last. I can't wait to see what you tell your daughter, nothing comes easy as it takes work to keep something good and strong. I say do what makes you happy and enjoy life to the fullest as we only live once.. Seduce the mind and see what a wonderful adventure the body will take you on.. 
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Sort of off topic..ok a lot off topic..But is the site getting worse about eating words off the posts. I swear every I'm is gone....lol. do I have to type I am. Ok..carry on. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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I agree with that. I think everyone can change their outlook on what they want. What it is they are looking for. And I believe it can and does happen within a relationship. I mean, the opposite happens quite often. We marry someone thinking we want to spend the rest of our lives with the person, only to find out, we don't . I do understand, that my thoughts/feelings/wants are as much to blame for not finding what I want, as those that decided they couldn't continue without marriage. We always have a part in what happens in a relationship. Well almost always. Great insight into the post. Thanks. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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That is a really good point, and he really should have thought of that. He could have secured her still, with just a living trust. Sounds like his kids were selfish bastards, if you don't mind me saying. But yeah, that's the best argument for the marriage certificate I've heard. I think what you said about picking a day and doing your thing is right along my line of thinking. I'm surprised no one asked, "well would you allow her to do the same". Absolutely! I know in today's world the issue of , why do you want to be alone, can be correlated with infidelity. But without the trust of allowing each other space, is there really a relationship. I know I don't cheat. I will always trust other's until they prove they can't be trusted. If you don't or can't trust one another, there is no relationship to speak of. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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Well two things..first, you're right. I missed that part in your comments. And second, yeah she seems like a fun and intelligent lady. In reality, being a single dad, owning a business and the chaos that comes with it, my levels of spontaneity aren't what they used to be. But sure, I could see where schedules could conflict. Me spending a weekend away, her the next. And only having two weekends together. Honestly, I can't say if that would be a problem or not right now. There's no one in that position with me right now. I'd like to say I'd be fine with it, but I stay pretty honest with myself. Overthinking isn't always a bad thing. And it beats the hell out of the alternative. Not thinking enough. " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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