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Should You Have a Threesome? 4 Things You Need to Consider
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Should You Have a Threesome? 4 Things You Need to Consider Some things just sound much better in theory—like sex on a sandy beach (ow...) or hiring someone to have sex with you and your husband for his birthday. Seriously… Just ask actor Jason Biggs (from American Pie and Orange Is the New Black), whose wife, Jenny Mollen, hired a for his birthday. The idea was to have a steamy threesome, she told The View, but it didn't exactly work out that way, reports Us Weekly. "I didn't have a good time in the end," said Jason, also on The View. Unfortunately, he couldn't even "complete the mission." Meanwhile, Mollen was reportedly watching this go down while eating a bag of chips. "Said wasn't engaging with my wife the way I hoped she would and so it all kind of fell apart." So, yeah…just let all that sink in. Obviously, threesomes aren’t appealing to everyone—and the above mishap can probably explain why. But if the idea sounds like more fun than freaky, we’d suggest doing a little more prep work than this celeb couple did. For one, it probably shouldn’t be a surprise. If you and your partner have been talking about having a threesome for a while, there are a few ways to make that fantasy a reality in a way that’s fun and pleasurable for both of you (while also making it less uncomfortable/awkward/upsetting if all doesn’t go according to plan). #5 What Are Your Rules? Even though you're inviting another person into your bed, that doesn't mean that anything goes. It's still helpful to establish some ground rules—like what's allowed, what's off-limits, how to take turns, who can touch who (and where), etc. For instance, "a lot of women don't want to allow kissing," says Speiser. "It feels too intimate. So, talk about it beforehand." While most rules will vary from couple to couple, one universal law should address safety. "If a man's having sex with one woman and switches off, change out the condom," says Speiser. And one more golden rule of threesomes: If you aren't enjoying yourself, you can stop at any moment. Just be polite—especially to the third person—and have a signal or a "safe word" with your partner already prepared so you can convey that something feels off. We consulted the experts for four questions you should definitely ask yourself before hopping into bed with your partner plus one. Hit the next button to carry on... #2 How Will It Affect Your Relationship? Sure, having a threesome can add some spice to your sex life, but it could also add awkwardness and tension if you're not prepared. If you're considering a threesome, the most important thing is to plan ahead, says sex expert Jill McDevitt, Ph.D. "One of the biggest misconceptions about sex is that the best sex is spontaneous, like it is in the movies. Just not true!" Especially when it comes to having a threesome, haphazardly jumping into it probably isn't the best idea. Instead, thoroughly discuss your fantasies and expectations with your partner—everything from what you think might make you jealous, whether or not you want this to be a one-time thing, and how to deal if things go wrong. #3 Who Should the Third Person Be? So you've decided you want to have a threesome—now, who should be involved? This isn't like deciding who to invite over to watch the World Cup; you really need to think hard about this one. "Open up a dialogue during sex to start imagining another partner with you," says Lainie Speiser, author of Threesomes: For Couples Who Want to Know More. Speiser also recommends imagining a third person during role-play with your partner to imagine how it would feel. But be wary of inviting your best friend into the mix. "A lot of people want to choose a friend, because they think they'll trust a friend the most," says Speiser. "But oftentimes things start getting complicated and insecurities pop up." Instead, she suggests looking elsewhere—whether it's someone you meet in a likeminded community (like a swingers club) or that really adventurous friend-of-a-friend who neither of you know too well (but you know they'd be down). #4 What Are Your Expectations? This is a big one. If you're going into the night thinking it'll be awkward and weird, it probably will be—and that should be a sign that you're not entirely on board with this. "Everyone involved should be a hundred percent down with it," says McDevitt. "Doing it solely to amuse a partner and fulfill a partner's fantasy without any internal desire or drive to do it at all should be avoided." If you go through with it just to appease someone else, chances are you'll hate it and may even resent your partner for pressuring you. You'll also want to avoid the expectation that doing this will solve a problem in your relationship—even if that problem is a boring sex life. Sure, this can bring a wild, adventurous tone into your bedroom, but just like one-on-one sex, this hookup probably won't lead to any major changes in your relationship, says Speiser. So what's a healthy expectation to have? Expecting to spice up your (already good) sex life with a fun, exciting, twist. |
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I loved to do a threesome with a lesbian couple. Rules ?? There is no fucking rules !!
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Very good points. Hope people considering a threesome for their first time pay attention to what you are saying. I recently had my first MFM encounter and the communication between my partner and I was paramount to it's success. My contribution to the thirteenth virtual symposium which I will post tomorrow address the communication aspect of trying new sexual situations. Thanks for the post, job well done.
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