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True Love Or True Lust?
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True Love Or True Lust? For two minutes of my life, I believed that he loved me. Maybe, he did. Just that we met the wrong way. Would you be with someone who cheated on his/her partner for you? Well, most likely not. No matter how much we think that this is meant to be and that he/she will not do it to us in future, subconsciously we just think that way. One night, at our secret hideout, he whispered in my ears that he loved me. They say that before the “deed”, guys will say anything sweet enough to get the bird down the tree but after, they usually just retreat back into their own comfort zone and it was not necessary to keep “hunting” anymore. He said it after the “deed”. I was surprise. It was the first time these words passed between us. I have said it a thousand times in my head but never aloud. The fact that he said it first somehow made it okay to use these words. I did not reply but tears rolled down my cheeks as I hugged him. Emotional scenes like this made it unpleasant for secret lovers. For those two minutes, it was unspoken of but understood by both of us. I began to lead a double life. This time, it felt as though I had two boyfriends. However, I was clear with him that my boyfriend will always come first. He kind of changed. He became more possessive and also, more protective of me. If I get late at work, he will come and fetch me. Sunday mornings are breakfast days. Blockbusters I must watch with him first if not he will be jealous. Every time anyone go overseas, have to give the other person one picture of him or herself. Once, I went for holiday with my boyfriend during M’s birthday. His girlfriend had a last minute overseas work trip. He was really upset and kept smsing me. During that holiday, I had a fever but trying not to be a spoilt spot, I asked my boyfriend to go ahead for the drinking session with our local friend there. Alone in the hotel, I called M at the stroke of midnight, his birthday. I thought he will be happy to hear my voice but he was upset that my boyfriend left me alone when I was running a fever. I tried explaining that I was the one who insisted that my boyfriend continue with the plan but he just would not listen. He told me to break up with my boyfriend. I went really quiet. He too. Minutes passed went unnoticed. I told him I had to go rest and will sms him when I get back. That night was hard to sleep. I keep telling myself not to compare the both of them. But the voice in my head just would not stop. I do not know when I fall asleep but I heard my boyfriend coming back. Drifting in and out of sleep, I vaguely remember that he kissed my forehead and told me not to get up and he went shower. The next morning I went for breakfast alone as my boyfriend could not wake up from the late night. I was kind of glad that I had that space to think. That trip was a sexless trip, which was rare. In fact, my boyfriend and I had not had any sex for two months already. First, he was busy working, then, I was having my period. By the time we wanted to get down to it, I fall sick during the trip. When we touched down at Changi Airport, I rushed to the other terminal to send my family off for their trip. Meaning, I had the whole house to myself. My boyfriend did mentioned that he wanted to come over but at that point of time, he was still afraid of my parents and so, he called off the idea himself. However, M was not as good boy. He came over and stayed with me for a whole week. We did not bring up the topic regarding my boyfriend and I breaking up anymore. I was relieved, as I would not have known how to handle it. For the week, we have sex every day and some times more than once. We have long bubble baths, cuddled up late night TV, going out for supper and we did all the couple things. It was fun. However, two weeks later, it was like hell. I was pregnant. The “who” answer was obvious. I called him and told him about the problem and also my choice of solution. I did not give him any chance to advise or comment this time. He told me that he wants to be there with me. I had no choice but to agree, as there was no one I could tell. Throughout the whole episode, I find myself cold blooded. I was hurting so much inside but I choose to ignore my feelings and pretend that I am strong and okay. Like a dead clam, I choose not to open up. I went through the process with him waiting for me and keeping me company till I woke up from blackout and back to reality. I opened my eyes and he was still there. My inside hurt so much I thought I was going to die. Laying down there I felt so suffocated, so I tried sitting up but it was the same. I could not talk. After awhile, he hold on to me as I walk out of there. We went to a hotel. I rested there. Slept on and off. Eat a little. Slept on and off again. Night came and I was getting dressed to go home. He said, “Before you woke up just now, you had tears streaming down your cheeks. I told the doctor but he just nod his head, looking at me, before walking away. Were you awake then?” I shrugged and he sent me home. I promise myself that I will never cry in front of him anymore. Crying is not a solution. With him, I never cried but I always find myself with wet cheeks. Tears always roll down uncontrollably. On the way back, Class 95 did all the talking and singing. Aerosmith’s “I don’t wanna miss a thing” came on. Again, tears flooded my eyes. He saw and stopped by the road shoulder. He held me in his arms for the longest time… my secret life, my double life.. |
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7/22/2008 11:58 pm |
I can relate so much to this story...a little too much. Sometimes what you want hides or blinds you to what is right in front of you and has been there from the beginning but you wanted him so much you over looked it all because of how he made you feel when the two of were together, he said I love you at always the right time, but he always left out the fact I'm going home to her or I don't belong to you nor her but I share me with everyone....selfish. I overlooked my gutt for the third and last time....I miss him more than I want to admit but I will be his regret not the other way around. Thanks I need that.... 
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I can relate so much to this story...a little too much. Sometimes what you want hides or blinds you to what is right in front of you and has been there from the beginning but you wanted him so much you over looked it all because of how he made you feel when the two of were together, he said I love you at always the right time, but he always left out the fact I'm going home to her or I don't belong to you nor her but I share me with everyone....selfish. I overlooked my gutt for the third and last time....I miss him more than I want to admit but I will be his regret not the other way around. Thanks I need that.... I do not pity myself. I feel sad and sorry for her though. The people in the dark always see those in the light better. I see all that she cannot. If it is me or someone else being in the dark, I rather it is me. At least, I know that she will never be alone, as I will never take him away from her. It is kind of weird and contradicting that I feel a need to protect her and yet I am doing the thing that will hurt her the most at the same time. Perhaps, when you love the wrong man, you will have to through this pain no matter whether you are in the light or in the dark. Love is indeed that powerful you will never have control over it. my secret life, my double life..
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I hurt when I do not see him too... my secret life, my double life..
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7/23/2008 2:52 am |
As much as u feel the love is there.. Lust is also there. It goes hand in hand. Putting all aside... Ask urself this question... Will you be able to let go of all ur norms and live out the dark side with M. Bearing in mind that its no easy task to get 2 families to accept the both of u if word gets to theirs ears... U being the 3rd party.. M being the once married man who broke up for u... Subconsciously u would also feel insecure and probably living days like will he do that to me once u both are an item.Normal thoughts for normal being unless u can really take it in ur stride to give it a shot as a risk taker... Else.. Listen to the angel for once.. and not the devil when making any decisions... From a Stranger
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7/23/2008 10:37 am |
looks like its best to do a early clean cut rather than dragging or extending your pain. it doesnt make sense as you will be forever in pain than being loved.
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Wow. Where to start? I am not sure how long this will carry on. Honestly. He is the only person that I do not know how to say no to. Haha... Do you know of someone who will still jump into a swamp knowing it is hard to get up? I must be that one person. Do not think that all your posts go unnoticed or that you are wasting your time writing, because I do read and think about what each and everyone of you say. Previously, I said that we were not in contact after our last meet up. Then, recently, he did sms me again but I told him that I was busy, in a single sms. He messaged me a couple of time after that too but I did not reply. I am trying. Each time I delete his sms, my heart felt as though someone had squeezed it up and my stomach clutched up in a tight knot. It hurts. I hope that the worse of this will go away soon. Till then, it is hard to even breathe. When I moved a couple of months back, I packed things that belonged to us in three big boxes. Not so discreet right? So much for evidences. Haha... Should I throw them away or return it to him? Kind of weird. I thought only bf and gf will do such things when they want to split up and we are definitely not in that category. So...? ~ To: KingEros99, I have chosen my bf for a long long time already. I will not give him up for M. Like I have said before, if he can do this with me, he can do it to me too. Thanks. ~ To: Sev09, The angels won. ~ To: Atlarg, I hope by cleaning up the wound, time will heal it and it will not hurt anymore. When that day comes, I will write to tell you guys. Looking forward to it. ~ To: Lonelymaleseekin, Thank you for everything. I made this decision not because of what you guys have wrote but it definitely did push me a little. I wanted to clear up all the clouds long ago but I kept dragging it as the occasional rainbows always appear like a carrot dangling up there. Sometimes when it is still beautiful, it is time to go. By the time, the rainbows' gone and the rain comes again, it will be too late. I do not want to end up cold and soaking wet in the rain all alone. I dream a little of the future now. Nothing with him in it... From: Trying to make love, not war. my secret life, my double life..
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It's a nice but sad story to hear... Torn between the one you choose and the who loves you.. Maybe you wanna justify yourself, so you stuck to your current boyfriend... One of my relationship was like this, i was the third party and she did something different , chose the one who loves her.... It was wrong... If you want to start a relationship that the others will condemn, make sure both of you can take the condemnation really well. I couldn't.. Anyhoo, it's over~! you made your choice. It's time to partay~!! Hope you are happy with your choice!
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9/7/2011 11:52 pm |
It hurts in whatever decision you make ( I hope it's over by now ) I used to measure it by the length of suffering, and I chose to make it short at most times. Thanks for your sharing.
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